if you didn't see it over there, it's here too
1:17 p.m. - 2006-11-21

I think i'm going to keep pinkbowshoe locked up, but just keep writting in there. I love my home there. It's hard to move.

This is an email copied from me and CQ the other night.
Anyway, I couldn't wait to email you about this whole KelBel thing, it just takes a while to write b/c I said so much.
Yeah I talked to Kelly for a few minutes. I wanted to jump off real fast so she couldn't respond but you and I were saying by and she wrote back.

It went like this:
After she threw the whole thing about me seeming annoyed at her calling and I said well you only call when you need something. We got into a whole argument. I said to her it's hard to just go on like nothing is bothering me when i have something big on my mind. I said I wrote you that email and you never acknowledged it. You never called, wrote back and haven't mentioned it at all in our conversations. It's like you ignore it, or just didn't get it and I think it's rude. She proceeded to go on about how she's so busy and has kids and I don’t know what its like. So you know i spat back about how Sandie (3mom) does things w/ and w/out the kids in her free time, so her answer to that was well i live farther away. So you know where I went w/ that one---Charlene. I said you can come see her and talk to her but you can't do that for me? So then it was well you came down to the beach plenty of times and never call. I said well i did call, several times, but how many times am i supposed to keep calling w/out a call back before i feel like I’m beating a dead horse?

Her next excuse was "well it seemed like a hassle to do anything when you came down here besides you know where i live you could've stopped by" so I said no, we all hung out w/ the kids going to McD's and the park, etc. until you met Billy. Once he came along you went MIA. Plus I've been to your house twice; I have no clue where it is. Shawn drove the 2nd time b/c we were all too drunk so i have no idea where you live actually. She said well Sandie didn’t talk to anyone when she was w/ mark. And I said well sandie was in a completely different situation, she was being abused and held back from her life, and i worried that that's what might be happening to you but you never called so no one knew.

And then I proceeded to keep going and saying "you know what, I’m tired of your high and mighty too good for yourself notion that you cannot be a grown up and better person and just say that you did something wrong. That’s what’s different between you and I. I can admit when I'm wrong and apologies, but you cannot. That's all I wanted was for you to acknowledge that you hurt my feelings and that you were sorry, but you're too high and mighty for that. And then you make everything my fault like my mom does. It's always some excuse after another." so I said (even though I really didn't feel sorry) sorry that i didn't call more or attempt to stop by. I can be the bigger person and say that. So she started on some rant about being depressed and not wanting to bring me down b/c i had Shawn. And i said well we've all been through some stuff and we can lean on each other in times of need. But you chose not to. You look to Charlene for everything and you say to me w/out saying it that I’m not good enough by not talking to me when things happen. You’ve always turned to her and that's hurtful and it's nothing I've done wrong. And I said again how I wrote that in the email that she still hasn't acknowledged.

So then she said she cried when she read it and I said well, I at least thought you'd’ve called or wrote back or wanted to meet up and I got nothing. She said well Billy told her not to do that b/c he didn't wanna watch the kids. First of all--why couldn’t she bring them w/ her? I should've said that but didn't. I did say that anytime she wanted to hang out it always had to be extreme like going out drinking it couldn't be just stopping by or hanging out. And I hated that, there was no reason we couldn't do things w/ her kids. Those were her own problems in that. So she went on more about her depression and how she things there's something wrong w/ her b/c of the whole Billy thing and that she's never loving anymore and how she doesn't think guys or women can be faithful b/c both times she's been burned by guys leaving her for other women. I said to that..."what Jason (high school boyfriend) and Billy (x-fiance, baby daddy number 2) are you two examples of relationships that you're basing your whole life on? That’s not the problem. The problem was you picked some hillbilly fishing loser to be your husband who was too young and irresponsible and immature to handle what you were offering him. You are this smart, professional, established woman w/ a house, a family, and a future and he wasn't able to handle that at 22/23 years old. You need to have higher standards and find a man that can handle that. Not some boy who can't even hold onto a freaking car payment. You can't tell me that you didn't have any indication that he didn't want marriage and kids. You were only together what a few months before you got pregnant and decided to get married. You didn't even really know him or what he was like morals, standards, etc and you decided to just jump in and not be cautious and think who this person was."
Anyway, so I went on and on and all she said I don’t deserve to have you as a friend and sorry for hurting my feelings and signed off.

Gotta love friends. Or x-friends. Oh well. Whatever. The IM conversation was just re-iterating what I had said in the email. It felt almost as if she hadn’t read it and I had to keep saying the same reasons and defending myself. I love how she tried to throw up every excuse in the book for her actions instead of taking the blame. I’m over it.

In other news I got a lot of Christmas shopping done lately. Only now prices went down, and I have to go get some refunds for sales, so more running around. And I’m making thanksgiving dinner this year. I need to go grocery shopping like tonight! I will, but then my mom wants me to go to my aunt’s birthday party, soccerjen wants me to go to a basketball game, my homework (which I did get a lot done last week---yes, yes, thank you, thank you) is calling my name, and I just feel like there is not enough time in the day. But, I told soccerjen I’d go to another game, and I figure with my mom, I might go to make her happy. After all, it is family. It’s just hard to go to her home. My aunt is a MR adult obviously living in a community house for adults like her. I’ve always had problems going there just to pick up or drop my aunt off. I don’t know, we’ll see. But I feel an obligation to go, and yet, I’m so tired of running around. I run myself ragged each and everyday. Anyone who’s read this knows that. I’m tired of running and running everywhere from the time I get up till the evening. I have to get up early to be at work, and I stay up late b/c KS watches tv and is on a completely different time schedule than me. It’s so frustrating at times. He (KS) used to call me grandma (actually it they still do…blah) b/c I would walk around at night in my fleece robe and go to bed at like 1030. Well, it’s funny sure, but I have to be at work at 730am. He doesn’t have to be at work like today till 115pm. Or on a regular day its 10am. Many hours difference from my schedule. Anyway, stop bitching Mel, right?

Well, more baby momma news. KS baby mom agreed to let him have her for thanksgiving. But of course, just like all pain in the Asses do, she took back on her offer. She told KS, we’ll I’ll ask her and see what she wants to do. You know she didn’t ask. Last time I saw his daughter I even said to her, “ok next time ill see you will be thanksgiving, see ya then” and she said ok. She hates leaving our house. She saw KS mom this weekend and they went shopping for soda and stuff and I’m sure they talked turkey day. But now KS just got a text message (yes a text message) saying: don’t want to argue but she wants to stay home maybe next year thanks. Fuckhead. I mean. KS is not a bad person, or a bad dad. He wants to see his daughter as much as possible. And he said to her when she said she wanted to keep her for the holiday: “look, its Christmas season I have to work 6 days a week, I have little time and what I do have I’d like to spend it w/ my daughter. This is one of those times and any other time you’re bitching at me about how I don’t see her enough” but of course that didn’t go over, she will call next weekend I’m sure and yell at him for not seeing his daughter enough. I feel so bad for him, but what can he do? Besides get a lawyer and try and fight her. Yeah, but as we all know, any state sees any child best fit and fights for the mother’s rights in everything regardless of what’s best fro the child. These problems are so stressful to me. I have no idea most days how to take all this. J, if you ever get near this kinda drama…I’ll be here to lend and ear. It’s so freaking stupid. Ugh. Your situation might not be so bad, you’ll be seeing the other side. *sigh * Well see.

Hope everyone has a FAB turkey day. Love you all and thankful to have you in my life! MWAH